*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
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You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren鈥檛 a real thing
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
No smoking? Really? You鈥檙e gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it鈥檇 still be 3 pages long.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 馃槀馃コ
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I鈥檓 the funny one and my brother is the successful one
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it鈥檚 so great to sleep alone.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
What鈥檚 fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
You can鈥檛 touch this.
You can鈥檛 touch this.
You can鈥檛 touch this.
You can鈥檛 touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.