*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
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We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
🍞🦆
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids