*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.

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Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive

Me: can I just text them


A is for apple
B is for bear
C is for candy
D is for your mom


I’m going to name my first kid Authorized Personnel so they can go wherever they want in life.


The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.


I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.

Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.


“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”

[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]


Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.


Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.


Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.