@CruisinSoozan

*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.

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@AbbieEvansXO

Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive

Me: can I just text them

@RobocopLust

A is for apple
B is for bear
C is for candy
D is for your mom

@NintenDom

I’m going to name my first kid Authorized Personnel so they can go wherever they want in life.

@Robert_Beau

The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.

@Probgoblin

I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.

Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.

@withanewname

“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”

[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]

@Pork_Chop_Hair

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

@GrantTanaka

Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.

@TravLeBlanc

Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.