@noogscorner

Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.

– Why they wear masks

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@AshToTheFuture

Earlier today I thought I needed a divorce but it turns out I was just hungry.

@TheTalkingPipe

The “I got your nose” game is fun to play with kids, but try it on the pharmacist at Target & she’ll call security.

@lamefactory

911, what’s your emergency?
What do you mean you’ve been stabbed?
People can’t do that, that’s illegal.

@asimplesean

The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.

@beefman138

[Logging in]

• Password must be 6 digits

Me : *Types “6 digits”*

Computer : You are an imbecile.

@spectatorindex

AUSTRALIA: Massive community barbecue has been planned in Perth, outside the home of a vegan woman who took her neighbour to court because she could smell barbecued meat in her backyard.

@danjan13

Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink

@funnybeachgirl

Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.