Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.

– Why they wear masks

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[Preparing for a heist]

Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?

Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo


Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy

Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus


interviewer: how would u describe yourself

me: unemployed


Wife: You put the wrong date on this.

Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.

Wife: You wrote 1992.


[at the playground]

ME: they grow up so fast don’t they

BENJAMIN BUTTON: hey screw you pal


I want to meet someone who enjoys long walks along the beach, so I have enough time to sit at home alone and tweet


[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”


I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”


*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses


[Farmer’s market]

Me: One of your finest farmers plz

Farmer: That’s not how this works

Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own