Earlier today I thought I needed a divorce but it turns out I was just hungry.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.
– Why they wear masks
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The “I got your nose” game is fun to play with kids, but try it on the pharmacist at Target & she’ll call security.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
911, what’s your emergency?
What do you mean you’ve been stabbed?
People can’t do that, that’s illegal.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
AUSTRALIA: Massive community barbecue has been planned in Perth, outside the home of a vegan woman who took her neighbour to court because she could smell barbecued meat in her backyard.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.