Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
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Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
a badder mouse
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
who wants to go expliring
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax