[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.
– Why they wear masks
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Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
[at the playground]
ME: they grow up so fast don’t they
BENJAMIN BUTTON: hey screw you pal
I want to meet someone who enjoys long walks along the beach, so I have enough time to sit at home alone and tweet
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own