Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
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Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
At one of her meet and greets, Taylor Swift met a young boy who complimented her writing. He went on to say that he also wanted to be a writer, but his friends bullied him for it. Taylor made him promise to ignore them and follow his dreams.
That boy’s name? William Shakespeare.
A 4 year old told me her mom went swimming in the ocean and a baby went into her ear and now its in her tummy and honestly sharks are now the least of my worries.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
In order to catch a cab, one must think like a cab first.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?