@fro_vo

Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news

Leonardo: what’s the good news

Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers

Raphael: what’s the bad news

Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole

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@KKBowls

Instead of politely knocking on the bathroom door, my kid attacks the door like a rookie DEA agent on his first raid

@meganamram

It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water

@N0pantz

If it weren’t for smoke detectors, I’d never know when my food was ready.

@kylamb16

“Cats typically sleep 16-20 hours per day.”

Yes. Hi. I’m interested in the position.

@Jay_FrickinLynn

[During Interview]
“Do you have any questions?”
– Yeah, inTitanic why did Jack sink when he died but everyone else floated?

@Dolly0Dolly

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

@Vice_Queen

Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.

@TheBoydP

My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…

@Lisabug74

“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.