Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
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When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.