Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news

Leonardo: what’s the good news

Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers

Raphael: what’s the bad news

Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole

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Instead of politely knocking on the bathroom door, my kid attacks the door like a rookie DEA agent on his first raid


It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water


If it weren’t for smoke detectors, I’d never know when my food was ready.


“Cats typically sleep 16-20 hours per day.”

Yes. Hi. I’m interested in the position.


[During Interview]
“Do you have any questions?”
– Yeah, inTitanic why did Jack sink when he died but everyone else floated?


I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.


Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.


My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…


“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.