Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
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Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
uncle dave has been through hell
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
I’m sure it’s fine.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.