Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
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* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Who called it death by autoerotic asphyxiation and not final fantasy
When I see crying children and miserable parents- I run to the bathroom, crush up my birth control, and snort it.
Got fast food so many times this week that when mcd’s asked me to pull out front to wait for my order, I was expecting an intervention.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Me: you said make it stiff