Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@JamesMelville

Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.

@Ignorant_Indian

* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *

@slaughthie

Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.

@ky_chu

Who called it death by autoerotic asphyxiation and not final fantasy

@Blondrbomber

When I see crying children and miserable parents- I run to the bathroom, crush up my birth control, and snort it.

@mstluvstrinkets

Got fast food so many times this week that when mcd’s asked me to pull out front to wait for my order, I was expecting an intervention.

@HabeasDorkis

I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”

@cowboyjeffkent

Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day

Me: ok, how many at night?

@Mardigroan

Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.

@momtribevibe

[ First day as a bartender ]

Me: *unzips customers pants*

Him: wtf!?

Me: you said make it stiff