Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
You Might Also Like
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Lmao the reply
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working