Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
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When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
I’m good, thanks.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.