@nPhelendriqal

*Spoiler Alert* Siamese cats are just one cat, not two cats in one.

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@climaxximus

young jesus: mom where do babies come from

joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?

@Reverend_Scott

[sees friend at the store]

“Hi”

Hey

“Where’s your better half?”

The PS4’s at home

“No I mean-”

Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.

@isabelzawtun

One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement

@mattgallo123

<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?

me: no

@Jake_Vig

“Grapey.”

-me after every wine at the wine-tasting

@SteveKoehler22

One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.

@Ideal_Victoria

I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school

@Teretha111

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

@misfarber

Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously

@BMcCarthy32

There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.