The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
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You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
I’m tired tomorrow.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
🤔😂😂
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”