*Spoiler Alert* Siamese cats are just one cat, not two cats in one.

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young jesus: mom where do babies come from

joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?


[sees friend at the store]



“Where’s your better half?”

The PS4’s at home

“No I mean-”

Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.


One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement


<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?

me: no



-me after every wine at the wine-tasting


One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.


I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school


Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?


Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously


There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.