Millennials, quit whining. I paid off $150,000 in student loans and own a $400,000 home, because I SAVE. It’s not that hard. I
-Make coffee at home
-Bus instead of Uber
-Had parents pay off my loans & buy me a house because I’m daddy’s special boy
-Got Hulu with ads
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
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I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Newsreader: Police are asking anyone with any information-
Me: [shouting at TV] You lose 90% of your heat from your head
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide