@theDanLawler

Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.

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@ladybroseph

“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.

@Parentpains

This coworker is about to find out walking around smiling on a Monday always leads to workplace accidents.

@ankles_so_weak

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath

@WilliamRodgers

“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”

*Go to a bar you Hate

*Put $50 in the Jukebox

*Play nothing but Nickelback

*Leave

@cravin4

Two things I learned this weekend are:

1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.

2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.

@RandiLawson

Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.

@OctopusCaveman

Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.

@TheBoydP

A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.

@julietactually

him: [slipping my panties off] why are u wearing 2 pairs of panties
me: I’m not
him: [sliding another pair off] omg how many are u wearing