Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
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barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated