Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
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Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
“i miss shittin on people”
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker