Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
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“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Mmmm canned fish.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.