Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
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[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks