[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
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Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family