@CornOnTheGoblin

[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right

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@girl_a_whirl

Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.

@figgled

Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs

@eliyudin

I have a great vocabulary, just ask my um female dad

@JacknArisdad

You wouldn’t believe me after reading my TL but my 1st language actually is English

@Marlebean

“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”

“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”

@Dustinkcouch

customer: can we get a plate a fries for the table

me (first day as a waiter): ahh i don’t think we’re allowed to feed the tables

boss: can i talk to you for a sec

me: what’s up

boss: you’re doing a great job. i want those tables to suffer

@Jerrypleasure

Elon Musk: *launches car into space*

Me: why don’t you do something for economically poor class

Elon Musk: *launches bicycle into space*

@briancthayer

Dear microwave companies,

Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?

Sincerely,
Everyone

@weinerdog4life

When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you