[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right

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Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.


Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs


I have a great vocabulary, just ask my um female dad


You wouldn’t believe me after reading my TL but my 1st language actually is English


“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”

“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me


customer: can we get a plate a fries for the table

me (first day as a waiter): ahh i don’t think we’re allowed to feed the tables

boss: can i talk to you for a sec

me: what’s up

boss: you’re doing a great job. i want those tables to suffer


Elon Musk: *launches car into space*

Me: why don’t you do something for economically poor class

Elon Musk: *launches bicycle into space*


Dear microwave companies,

Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?



When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you