I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
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In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Google Pay be like:
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com