[Sporting goods store]

Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out

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It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”


Watching Riverdale with my son has afforded us important discussions like not to lie to the police when your twin brother dies mysteriously.


Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to


I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.


I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.


If I was a villain, my weapon would be a fan and a bag of eyelashes for blinding superheroes

I’m a villain, don’t ask how I get my weapons


Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?

I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.


Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Her: You only think about yourself.
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.