@ThugRaccoons

[Sporting goods store]

Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out

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@threetimedaddy

Me: *on the toilet*

2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!

Me: I’m downstairs!

2yo: Oh… *runs off*

Me: Why have I not tried that before?

@carlyken

So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?

@PleaseBeGneiss

[months from now]

CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside

Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?

@ArfMeasures

Netflix: Should I play this movie?

Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second

Netflix: I’ll put it on

Me: I’m just literally reading what it is

Netflix: It’s playing 🙂

@NotTodayEric

Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.

@1Happytwit

If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.

@Jandalize

Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.

@GawdOffalTweets

just when I started to freak out I noticed the ghost that haunts my ensuite had written “don’t panic, you ate beets last night” with lipstick on the mirror and I am so grateful to have such a good friend

@Shen_the_Bird

Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!

Me: *shoving my way to the front* no

@thebeckyard

Me: Dishonor on you! Dishonor on your family! Dishonor on your house!

Olive Garden server: Please stop! I’ll bring more cheese to grate!