@ThugRaccoons

[Sporting goods store]

Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out

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@squirrel74wkgn

It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”

@markhoppus

Watching Riverdale with my son has afforded us important discussions like not to lie to the police when your twin brother dies mysteriously.

@JeffKasanoff

Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to

@trayofcheese

I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.

@Tmoney68

I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.

@Mr_Kapowski

If I was a villain, my weapon would be a fan and a bag of eyelashes for blinding superheroes

I’m a villain, don’t ask how I get my weapons

@BradBroaddus

Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?

I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.

@JohnLyonTweets

Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!