Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
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So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
just when I started to freak out I noticed the ghost that haunts my ensuite had written “don’t panic, you ate beets last night” with lipstick on the mirror and I am so grateful to have such a good friend
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Me: Dishonor on you! Dishonor on your family! Dishonor on your house!
Olive Garden server: Please stop! I’ll bring more cheese to grate!