@hippieswordfish

spot whats sandpaper like?
dog: ruff
whats the long grass on a golf course called?
d: ruff
whats the job market like?
d: steadily improving

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@bourgeoisalien

Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are

@SequelsWeWant

The Hobbit 4:

Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff

Bilbo puts on his ring

One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances

@Shade510

I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.

@SarahJonesVent

I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.

@XplodingUnicorn

Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?

Me: Never

Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.

Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.

@Area51eh

LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?

@shariv67

Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.

@AlisonAgosti

If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally

@graceful_asfuck

Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*