Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
spot whats sandpaper like?
whats the long grass on a golf course called?
whats the job market like?
d: steadily improving
You Might Also Like
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
In Soviet Russia, tired joke format tweets YOU.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
“Mom, you need to calm down with how much cheese you’ve been buying.”
*silently writes him out of my will*
you can’t believe it’s not butter? buddy, almost everything is not butter
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.