Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
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Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.