@hippieswordfish

spot whats sandpaper like?
dog: ruff
whats the long grass on a golf course called?
d: ruff
whats the job market like?
d: steadily improving

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@Shanehasabeard

Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?

@YourYakiri

You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?

I’m like that, but with salad.

@thebeckyard

“Mom, you need to calm down with how much cheese you’ve been buying.”

*silently writes him out of my will*

@hippieswordfish

you can’t believe it’s not butter? buddy, almost everything is not butter

@PickleRudd

Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.

@SoVeryBritish

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

@schlimp

*steals machine parts all year*

*gets coal for xmas*

“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”

*turns coal into diamond*

@ilovepie84

My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.