H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
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My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it