Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
You Might Also Like
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
#JohnTravolta
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.