Spotted in New Orleans.
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Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
No point crayon over spilled milk.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Worst Native American name ever.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Shortcut
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho