Spotted in New Orleans.
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Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
need him
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me