Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
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Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
this… may be the greatest story ever told
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.