SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
You Might Also Like
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Always 🥴
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?