spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
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The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Spring cleaning checklist…
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
hmm conte-me mais
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws