3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
happy friday
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
beware of dog
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.