@LaziestCanine

[sprains my ankle]
Doc: does it hurt when you put pressure on it?
Me: Let me check
Me: [to ankle] c’mon dude try it, it’s only one cigarette

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@TheDailySchmuck

I can deal with shootings and police harassment.

But it’s January 4th and some maniac is playing Christmas music.

Time to leave the ghetto

@notzuunk

my nephew turns 3 this august but since money tight we just not gone tell him

@SimoneGiertz

but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??

asking for a friend

@mydmac

*police searching my home

So, the coffin is for Halloween?

Yes. Yes it is.

@rachelle_mandik

people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over

@JonBaker

By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl

@JeauxAlejandro

Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.

I asked the wife “how did you do it?”

She said “my knees tired”.

They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.

But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.

@iwearaonesie

If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore