[sprains my ankle]
Doc: does it hurt when you put pressure on it?
Me: Let me check
Me: [to ankle] c’mon dude try it, it’s only one cigarette

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I can deal with shootings and police harassment.

But it’s January 4th and some maniac is playing Christmas music.

Time to leave the ghetto


my nephew turns 3 this august but since money tight we just not gone tell him


but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??

asking for a friend


*police searching my home

So, the coffin is for Halloween?

Yes. Yes it is.


people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over


By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl


Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.

I asked the wife “how did you do it?”

She said “my knees tired”.

They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.

But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.


If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore