*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
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Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.