Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
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I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
guys i’ve cracked the code
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.