ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
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If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.