[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
You Might Also Like
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
who wore it better?
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
*serious situation*
My brain:
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.