[spreading rumors]

me: R

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I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography


CSI: North Pole

Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.

Chief: Did you find hoof prints?

Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.


Just got arrested for racing my Segway wearing an adult diaper and a Viking helmet. Still not clear which law I broke.


When Obama declared war on Ebola, an executive producer at Fox News tried to find it on google maps.


My morning exercise routine includes snooze presses. I like to get in at least 5 reps.


15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?

Me: grapes

15: Nice! We have grapes?!

Me: *sips wine* nope


Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?

I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.


Two. I have 2 kids.


Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.


My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.