I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
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CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Just got arrested for racing my Segway wearing an adult diaper and a Viking helmet. Still not clear which law I broke.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
When Obama declared war on Ebola, an executive producer at Fox News tried to find it on google maps.
My morning exercise routine includes snooze presses. I like to get in at least 5 reps.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.