There are two types of people on Twitter. Those who can take a joke, and those who will copy it and claim it as their own
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Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
“Hey, man, just called to see when you’re going to commercial. Now? Ok, us too.” -Radio Stations
They laughed at me when I bought Velcro sneakers but no one will be laughing when the great shoelace drought of 2044 comes
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
I hope the guy who named the “walkie talkie” called his home phone “standie talkie” and his toilet “sittie shitty”.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!