[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
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Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit