Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
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[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!