*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
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Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
#milo
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.