@poutinesmoothie

*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*

You Might Also Like

@_NinJar

*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”

@murrman5

*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”

@BobGolen

It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.

@Parkerlawyer

Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!

However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.

@CVTBaby

I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.

@JustBeingEmma

My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”

@

a:1:{s:7:”retweet”;i:2;}

@usermcuserface

If i was going to rob someone I’d wear a fanny pack, jorts, and crocs. Nobody would believe them.