*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*

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*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*


*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”


It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.


Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!

However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.


I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.


My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”




If i was going to rob someone I’d wear a fanny pack, jorts, and crocs. Nobody would believe them.