@poutinesmoothie

*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*

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@nbadag

okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?

*room chuckles*

*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith

@BoomBoomBetty

The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.

@J_Recommends

My sister read ’50 Shades of Grey’ and relayed some of its explicit content.

I pretended to think those things are shocking, too.

@thepaulahunt

“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.

@VeggieMonger

Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.

@nvd197

My morning exercise routine includes snooze presses. I like to get in at least 5 reps.

@pilau

[titanic, 1912]

Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich

First mate: ICEBERG

Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave

@moooooog35

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.

@velvettusk

If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.