okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
You Might Also Like
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
My sister read ’50 Shades of Grey’ and relayed some of its explicit content.
I pretended to think those things are shocking, too.
Beheaded our snowman to let winter know we mean business.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
My morning exercise routine includes snooze presses. I like to get in at least 5 reps.
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.