@poutinesmoothie
@roadkill3x
I have a black belt in leather
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@roadkill3x
@_NinJar
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
@murrman5
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
@BobGolen
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
@Parkerlawyer
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didnβt think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
@CVTBaby
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
@JustBeingEmma
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
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@usermcuserface
If i was going to rob someone I’d wear a fanny pack, jorts, and crocs. Nobody would believe them.