Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
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When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Battery falling down a hole
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.