My minivan has this cool anti-theft system called its a minivan
– Russian mattress repairman
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someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
M. Night Shyamalan: *hiding*
M. Night Confidentamalan: Hey guys! How is everyone?
My iPod started crying after I dropped it. I said “You’ll be okay, stop syncing about it”. We laughed & made jokes about Microsoft together.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Having swords for arms was a terrible first wish but it was a genie and I blurt weird things out when I panic.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
I’m running away to join the internet.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]