@Sickayduh

“Spring break”

– Russian mattress repairman

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@thatguyJA

My minivan has this cool anti-theft system called its a minivan

@cupcakelogic

someone: *obvious flirt*

me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice

also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE

@TwiCarlyGleeber

Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”

@Home_Halfway

M. Night Shyamalan: *hiding*

M. Night Confidentamalan: Hey guys! How is everyone?

@KKAlThani

My iPod started crying after I dropped it. I said “You’ll be okay, stop syncing about it”. We laughed & made jokes about Microsoft together.

@LizHackett

My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.

@hobo_hands

Having swords for arms was a terrible first wish but it was a genie and I blurt weird things out when I panic.

@holypurgatory

A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

@KeetPotato

me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]