5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
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Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives