Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
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My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!