“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.

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Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!


[first day as a torturer]

Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.

Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.


I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.


Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.


“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”


Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?

Me: We were robbed.

Husband: They only took the cookies?

Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?


The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…


It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.


If you stand in front of a mirror & repeat your top tweet 3X, your pretwitter self appears, smacks you & throws your phone in the toilet.


ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS