“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
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DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Natty or not?
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.