@fillthevacuum

“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.

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@Mom_Overboard

Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!

@aissalanis

[first day as a torturer]

Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.

Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.

@13gbenita

I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

@KalvinMacleod

Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.

@Beatonm5

“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”

@sixfootcandy

Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?

Me: We were robbed.

Husband: They only took the cookies?

Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?

@WilliamRodgers

The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…

@serendipitydon1

It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.

@wickedsuga

If you stand in front of a mirror & repeat your top tweet 3X, your pretwitter self appears, smacks you & throws your phone in the toilet.

@bornmiserable

ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS