Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
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My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
This is top tier marketing 😂🤣
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
This Thanksgiving my 27 year old liberal nephew will be fighting my 58 year old conservative uncle at the dinner table in case Netflix wants to film that too
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
no one likes gloating
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Somedays I just love AI so much
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.