Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
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I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
One venti cheeseburger please.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
I don’t make the rules sorry
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move