*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
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I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
adam and eve had first world problems
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤