snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
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Please do it!
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
This meal prepping shit is easy
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas