*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
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People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.