*Squatting over cat litter box*

Husband: What the fu-


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Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.

Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?


Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.


[blind date]

HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*

ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am


We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?


Stephen Hawking’s worn out two pair of shoes since the last time my co-worker said something intelligent.


[interrupts pastor]
but jesus was crucified today shouldn’t we call today “Bad Friday” or even “Kinda Messed Up They Killed Jesus Friday”


I always write “boing” in the memo section of my checks, so all parties involved know how this is gonna go.


Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them


[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!