@SufficientCharm

*Squatting over cat litter box*

Husband: What the fu-

Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM

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@UnFitz

Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.

Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?

@pungodly

Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.

@AtticusFinch79

[blind date]

HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*

ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am

@English_Channel

We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?

@Zwolf666

Stephen Hawking’s worn out two pair of shoes since the last time my co-worker said something intelligent.

@EJGomez

[interrupts pastor]
but jesus was crucified today shouldn’t we call today “Bad Friday” or even “Kinda Messed Up They Killed Jesus Friday”

@Kilgore_Studge

I always write “boing” in the memo section of my checks, so all parties involved know how this is gonna go.

@Bob_Janke

Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them

@TheToddWilliams

[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!