I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
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Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Hey hedgehogs, how about leaving some hedges for the rest of us?
Looking for rich sugardaddy to support me so I can support my boyfriend so he can tweet more. *thoughtful romantic tweet*
People on facebook are a different breed
Having my wisdom teeth pulled.
They have nothing left to teach me.
I must learn on my own from now on.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
(bed bath and beyond)
*walks to beds*
Wow nice beds
*walks to baths*
Wow nice baths
*walks through intergalactic wormhole*
Wow nice beyond
Coworker: OMG did you hear about the blizzard?
Me: which flavor?