*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
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No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
My what?
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Natural selection at its finest
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works