squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
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BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?