[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
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My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
spot the difference
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.