“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
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Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it