[squirrel meeting]

Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator

Owl: hoo

Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen

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*puts baby marshmallows on a porcupine*

There you go little guy. Now you’re bouncy.


I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.


Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes


When I was growing up, my mum was always saying “you can do it!”

Like when I was asking who was cooking dinner for example


Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.


Vanilla Ice arrested for grand theft. Cops say, “He jumped in the car, slammed on the gas
bumper to bumper, the avenue’s packed.”



DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon

ME: No, a fear of clones

DOC: Oh…that seems irrational

OTHER ME: That’s what I said


[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]

ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.


My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.