[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
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The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit