Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
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[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
That was easy.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.