Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
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Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.