Squirrels: 1,538

My dogs: -17

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A dating app that matches up the only-eats-the-icing people with the only-eats-the-cake people


I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.


Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.


Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.


No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.


Ambulance is spelled backwards on the front so when you look in your rearview mirror you don’t confuse it with the other giant siren cubes.