If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
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Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed